If you had experienced all that I had, you'd know Jesus, too.

If you had experienced all that I had, you'd know Jesus, too.

I wasn't a religious person; raised Catholic, but I didn't know my God.  He was there, that I did not deny, but He couldn't be reached any more than if I were to chase the wind.

Many of you who knew me then have witnessed quite a lifestyle change in me, huh?  And many of you who only know me now can hardly believe the stories I've told of days past.  Cocaine was easy to get, fun to do and terrible to come down off of.  Marijuana was smoked daily as my anti-depressant, and alcohol was what caused me to eventually- well, I'll get to that later, maybe.  Frankly they were great bandaids.  However, the open wounds beneath wouldn't heal, the infection stayed and the blood would remind me that the pain was very real.  One bandaid wouldn't do, I had to constantly replace one with another... And I did.  I did.  *sigh*...

I think that's all I want to write today.

Captivated

You know, I feel like this could be taken terribly wrong.  I do not want to be misunderstood, so hear my sincerity as I write this short blog.  


Women are so captivating.  


Over the course of a couple weeks I have really been watching women.  I've been eye-balling their smiles, their expression, their eyes & their tears.  I've been rather engrossed actually as I plainly stare at them, only to look away quickly as their eyes dart my way, for what reason I am not sure....  


This creation is mesmerizing.  I don't mean this in a homo-sexual way, people.  I'm just saying that even God, after he looked on Eve, was pleased with what He saw.  He not only saw that physically she was wonderful, but He saw the gentle heart that He had formed radiate through her penetrating eyes.  


I see so much life inside of a woman's eyes.  I see little girls dressed to impress daddies, and dolls, and dresses, and crowns.  I see the heart that longs to be captured and cherished by her prince.  The heart that longs to hear she is beautiful and wonderfully made; that she is the apple of someone's eye.  


I see the pain behind those precious eyes; the tears and fears of "bought into" lies.  I see the hopelessness, the loneliness, the guilt of "what if I did more?" or "what if I did less?" or "what if....".....  I see a girl behind those sad, sad eyes that is looking for a love that's real, a love that would rescue her, that would come for her and only her, a love that wouldn't give up, wouldn't stop pursuing & learning her precious heart.  That heart has been so broken and she is scared she'll never get it back.


I see these things when I look into these women's eyes.  These women I've been staring at, most of them, are hurting, although they smile big, I can see what's behind there.  


Why I have even written this out I don't know... my heart just wanted to spew... Women are beautiful.  I love women.  I wish that all women felt like this & felt that they had someone they could bear their soul too.  It brings deep healing to be comforted and accepted, junk, pain, shame & all.  


You are beautiful.



Side note:
Your heart is a garden.  Weed it, prune it, cultivate it.  Plant good seed and then be vigilant & diligent to tend your garden.  You have to stop letting briar bushes in & have to stop planting bad weed seed.  You are expecting & praying for something to turn around, but you keep letting things take over your garden.  Stop it & tend your garden & watch it become beautiful again.  

Judgmental Women

I have real, good friends.  Yes I do.  Regretfully, I haven't always been a real, good friend.  I wasn't equipped or groomed to be one & instead of loving unconditionally just because, I loved based on getting my own needs met.  When a friend didn't "perform" up to par, irritated me, or made me feel threatened due to jealousy, I backstabbed them.  Whether that meant whispering critical words to my other "friends" so I'd feel better about myself, or just simply writing them off for a day, week, or month's', I'd continue this vicious cycle with my closest friends over & over again.  It's been a journey to be a better friend and I have been on it for about 6 years now.  But again, that's a whole other blog to explain why I feel now I am more equipped to be a real, good friend & I'm not going there today because I have something, or should I say someone, else on my mind.  

I have been blessed with a few real, good friends; one being Corissa. I was thinking about how much I enjoy this girl today.  Corissa is beautiful.  She is wonderful inside & out.  I wish that I could say that I saw her for her true self immediately & loved her right off the bat, but that was not the case.   Matter of fact once we became friends we admitted that our first few encounters truly exposed our catty, jealous hearts because we didn't care much for one another because each of us were a little "too cute" for comfort.  However, once we saw past our own physical insecurities & befriended each other we realized that we were truly destined to be BFF's :) .....

I guess the point I want to get to is this:  Oh, ladies- let's stop judging women that we don't know.  We weren't created to be enemies.  We need these beautiful women to be our sisters, not our adversaries!  It's likely that the one woman we dislike the most without really getting to know is the one woman who God wants to bless our lives with by a wonderful friendship.  How many friendships have I missed out on because of being judgmental? :(  Remember what goes around comes around.  You know, we do reap what we sow.  I sure don't want to be judged, which is exactly why I try to keep myself in check in this area.  We will all mess up, but just gotta be quick to stop ourselves.

So with all that said, next time we want to be critical of a new woman, or maybe even an old friend,  let's not.

It's Been Revealed To Me...

I felt compassion for the situation at hand.  Max had died on Thanksgiving Day to Childhood Cancer.  I was so sorry for his family; they didn't know the Lord & I just knew that they were in for a long, torturous road without His grace.   Later I found out that our friend's son had been re-diagnosed, this time with Leukemia.  So, I chose to raise some money & felt compelled & led to shave my head with many others.  The point of this blog isn't to explain the event or the fruit that I see coming out of my obedience, but it's to explain where my heart is right now in this all.

The day the shaving went down I styled my hair the best that I could, admiring my creation, still feeling strong and confident.  But that didn't last for long, because, I fought back tears as I crossed the threshold knowing that I'd be leaving through the same doors a changed woman.  I'd like to say that woman was going to be a selfless woman, a strong woman who knew she had beauty beyond her "crown".  But that's not who she was; she was scared, vulnerable & in utter shock.

It's only been 2 weeks, but I feel fairly comfortable in my new skin.  I feel a liberty I didn't have before to "be me".  I've felt a similar vulnerability/ release before (which I won't explain now), but how quickly we forget the freedom that lies on the other side of our surrender.  At least for me that is the case all too often. 

I am totally noticing something common here.  I see a few things right now that I am holding on to so tightly; just like I unknowingly did with my hair.  That thing I just mentioned above that I said I wouldn't explain now, well, that was the same thing in a sense.  I was in bondage to something for a really long time.  I finally exposed my vulnerability before God & allowed Him & His amazing love to heal that insecurity.  It was like this with my hair.  I was so bound to perfection in that area that I'd created an idol that I was placing before God; basically my vanity.  And, let me be perfectly honest here, I still am in bondage to this & He's shown me a few other things, too.  This is the common thing I said that I am noticing & I am just now seeing for what it is.  I am controlling my life.  And to some, that may seem like a good thing.  Taking the bull by the horns.  But it's not a good thing, it's a terrible thing.  I don't want to be the one in control of my life when I have a Savior I claim to belong to, that I claim to call the "Lord of my life".  He wants me to bring Him glory, but how can I do that when I am not surrendering the very thing that He wants to use to do that?  

Anyhow, this is just me getting it out on 'paper'....  I've got some house cleaning to do in my heart.  I desire a life led by Holy Spirit & full of His power & love.  He wants that for me.  So, pray for me.  I've got some stuff to get straight & am going to do it now.  No more laziness.  No more selfishness.  Will you join me?