It's Been Revealed To Me...

I felt compassion for the situation at hand.  Max had died on Thanksgiving Day to Childhood Cancer.  I was so sorry for his family; they didn't know the Lord & I just knew that they were in for a long, torturous road without His grace.   Later I found out that our friend's son had been re-diagnosed, this time with Leukemia.  So, I chose to raise some money & felt compelled & led to shave my head with many others.  The point of this blog isn't to explain the event or the fruit that I see coming out of my obedience, but it's to explain where my heart is right now in this all.

The day the shaving went down I styled my hair the best that I could, admiring my creation, still feeling strong and confident.  But that didn't last for long, because, I fought back tears as I crossed the threshold knowing that I'd be leaving through the same doors a changed woman.  I'd like to say that woman was going to be a selfless woman, a strong woman who knew she had beauty beyond her "crown".  But that's not who she was; she was scared, vulnerable & in utter shock.

It's only been 2 weeks, but I feel fairly comfortable in my new skin.  I feel a liberty I didn't have before to "be me".  I've felt a similar vulnerability/ release before (which I won't explain now), but how quickly we forget the freedom that lies on the other side of our surrender.  At least for me that is the case all too often. 

I am totally noticing something common here.  I see a few things right now that I am holding on to so tightly; just like I unknowingly did with my hair.  That thing I just mentioned above that I said I wouldn't explain now, well, that was the same thing in a sense.  I was in bondage to something for a really long time.  I finally exposed my vulnerability before God & allowed Him & His amazing love to heal that insecurity.  It was like this with my hair.  I was so bound to perfection in that area that I'd created an idol that I was placing before God; basically my vanity.  And, let me be perfectly honest here, I still am in bondage to this & He's shown me a few other things, too.  This is the common thing I said that I am noticing & I am just now seeing for what it is.  I am controlling my life.  And to some, that may seem like a good thing.  Taking the bull by the horns.  But it's not a good thing, it's a terrible thing.  I don't want to be the one in control of my life when I have a Savior I claim to belong to, that I claim to call the "Lord of my life".  He wants me to bring Him glory, but how can I do that when I am not surrendering the very thing that He wants to use to do that?  

Anyhow, this is just me getting it out on 'paper'....  I've got some house cleaning to do in my heart.  I desire a life led by Holy Spirit & full of His power & love.  He wants that for me.  So, pray for me.  I've got some stuff to get straight & am going to do it now.  No more laziness.  No more selfishness.  Will you join me?